Hello hello,

Welcome to the height of the holiday season! You wouldn’t know it was almost Christmas at my house – no decorations, no gingerbread scent, no snow, nothing. This weekend we need to get after it and bring some holiday cheer to our home.

There’s a trending article from the San Francisco Chronicle about a black couple that ‘erased themselves’ from their home before having their house appraised. After the initial appraisal came back much lower than they expected, they removed all identifying images from their home and had a white friend sit in the home at the time of the second appraisal. Spoiler alert: their white-washed appraisal came back 500K higher than the first. Unfortunately, this is a common outcome of systemic racism. Here’s the article:

https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/Black-Marin-City-couple-sues-appraiser-for-16672840.php

Interestingly, we had our home in San Jose recently appraised, and my husband did the same thing. He removed all the pictures from the walls and any other identifying objects that would disclose anything about our family. He also physically left for work before our appraiser arrived on site. But, I was there. I could stay because my skin color won’t negatively impact the value of my home. How insane is that? It’s so unfair and exhausting that people of color need to a) be aware of the systemic racism in every facet of daily life such as getting a home appraisal and b) constantly take actions to combat the biases.

Clint Smith (author of How the Word Is Passed – one of 2021’s Best Books of the Year, a MUST read!) commented on social media about the SF Chronicle article. He posed a simple yet poignant question – if we see that kind of blatant discrimination in home prices based on race, imagine all the other interactions/contributions from people of color that are undervalued. Contributions at work, in the arts, in schools, everywhere…

#blacklivesmatter #courageousconversations #powertoprivilege

-Jessica

Hello hello,

Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you’re finding exactly what you need this weekend whether that’s connection with or distance from friends and family. I’m having the most non-traditional thanksgiving over here. My day started with a Zumba class at the gym. It was my first workout class since my youngest son was born (ahem over 2 years now), and it is a really odd day to get back into a gym routine. It was made odder by the fact that the instructor had baked organic, mini pumpkin pies for everyone in class… (while strange, it’s a genius tactic to ensure new participants will return…).

We won’t be with any family this year, but the neighbors have graciously invited us to commune with them today. And truthfully, this break from tradition has nudged me to really think about this holiday and what/why we ‘celebrate’. I checked out https://native-land.ca/ to find out what indigenous tribe(s) lived on the land where I currently reside. I found out that I live on the land of the Tamien Nation, one of the 8 linguistic divisions of the Ohlone people . The use of the name Tamien (also spelled Tamyen and Thamien) dates back to 1777. Being the the peninsula, fishing and boat making were key components of the tribe’s culture, and they even made ‘money’ out of clam shells. There’s an active community-based language preservation project where citizens can keep the Tamien language alive.

I understand the hesitancy of so many [white] people to really research, ask about, and embrace the origins of today because humans are extremely loss averse. We don’t want to lose the things about our traditional Thanksgiving that we love. Rituals and traditions that shape our families, that make us feel like we’re part of something, that ground our identity. But, what if we keep all those parts that we love, and we just tweak why we’re engaging in them? We keep the gathering, the delicious food, the football, the post-meal walks, and instead of envisioning the Pilgrims and Native Americans joyfully sharing a meal, we learn about the land we live on. We acknowledge the atrocities for what they really were, and we vow to use our time together to learn and grow (and possibly donate locally if we’re able)? Feels like a win-win, but it’s just a thought…

Aside from the holidays, there’s been a lot going on in the world. I think we saw our judicial system in action with the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict. The James Clear quote really resonates here – “You don’t rise to the levels of your goals, you fall to the levels of your systems.” I have so many thoughts – the first of which is that this boy is a child. He made a horribly bad decision partially because his frontal cortex is a long way from being fully developed. So, despite my hurt for the families of those he killed, I don’t think I really believe Kyle should spend the rest of his life behind bars (?). But, I wish I could say that if Kyle was Black, he’d get the same verdict. And we know objectively that’s not the case. Kyle’s acquittal is the ultimate public display of white privilege, and not just individual privilege but a display of how white people benefit from the design of the system.

And then we see justice for Ahmaud Arbery! I will just sum up my thoughts on this case with the following tweet: “#racism is thinking that a black man jogging has to “follow orders” from a white stranger with a gun.”

#justiceforahmaudarbery #blacklivesmatter #indigenouslivesmatter #courageousconversations #powertoprivilege

-Jessica

Hello hello,

Happy Fall! Well – I guess it’s essentially winter at this point. I’ve been so absent here, but it’s not for a lack of continuing to read and listen and consume all the content I can. I’ve been really reflecting on what’s next – with my own journey, with work, heck – with just getting through each week at home! Which reminds me, I almost bought a sweatshirt at Target that said “Always Exhausted!” But I paused because I don’t want to perpetuate exhaustion as a status symbol. I love a good joke about how exhausted I am, but I don’t want to place value or status on who can be the most exhausted (newsflash, there’s no winners in that race!). Hmm.. maybe joking about it is still a mechanism to ascribe it status anyway (learning real time here people…) I’ll have to think about that.

I had a new experience recently – My whole family was at Costco (duh – I could forward my mail to Costco and not miss a beat), and I had the two little boys in the cart while Chris and my oldest son were off somewhere else. We made our way down an aisle and stumbled upon a sample. The kids were a little deflated to see that the sample was salad, LOL but they took it nonetheless. The guy handing out the samples looked at me and said “oh, are those kids adopted?” I paused in total confusion and said “what?” The guy clarified by pointing at my kids in the cart and repeated, “your kids, are they adopted?” And I said, “ohhhhh, no, nope they’re mine” He just replied ‘huh’. I’m guessing either he was adopted or has adopted kids and was just looking to make a connection. It was a completely neutral exchange, and now I’m a little surprised I don’t received more questions like that when out and about in the world.

Anyway, I recently participated in a book club at work, and the book was So You Want To Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo. The author’s mom is white and her dad is black. Ijeoma clearly articulates topics such as making mistakes when talking about race, the importance of checking our privilege, cultural appropriation, the model minority myth, and what actions to take beyond all the talk. She talks about discussing race with her mom, and this really resonated with me:

“The initial discussion led to a very long talk about race and identity and the difference between being a white mother who has loved and lived with black people, and being an actual black person who experiences the full force of a white supremacist society firsthand.”

We should all strive to mimic Ijeoma’s bravery and honesty in her conversations about race.

#blacklivesmatter #courageousconversations #powertoprivilege

Be well,

Jessica

Hello hello,

Happy Fall! I hope everyone is settling into a tolerable routine with school and work. We probably all thought we’d be back to some semblance of normal by now, but instead, it seems the only constant is uncertainty. Workplaces are postponing return-to-work strategies, business travel is back on hold, and schools are hoping for minimal Covid-related disruptions. Humans aren’t built for this sustained uncertainty, and Amy Cuddy recently wrote an article about ‘pandemic flux syndrome’ which really resonated with me : Why this stage of the pandemic makes us so anxious – The Washington Post

My newest obsession is the new Cinderella movie that’s out on Amazon prime video now! To be honest, I was hesitant to have the boys watch it because of the old-fashion story line. In fact, my oldest has to read (aka be read to) for 30 minutes every day for school, and he recently selected an old Cinderella book we had lying around. Half way through the book, I stopped reading and told him I didn’t really like the story or agree with the gender stereotypes… I physically put the book in the trash while asking him to pick something else. He just stared at me and obliged… (I’m sure I’m messing my kids up to some extent with my antics, but I also heard they don’t remember much before 7 so I like to think I’m still operating in a test environment…. right? The scary part is that production release is a few months away…)

BUT, to my delight, the new Cinderella has been re-written! It’s SO good – and I want to outline all the positive changes the movie creators have made, but I also don’t want to spoil it for anyone! IMO, it’s the perfect version to show all little kids but especially little boys!

And don’t even get me started on the three part series Malcolm Gladwell did in this season of revisionist history about The Little Mermaid! He explores just how insane the story is if you really think about it, and he partners with a screenwriter, Brit Marling, to re-write the ending. Their rendition of the story is beautiful, and I hope they can convince Disney to incorporate their edits as part of the upcoming live-action version! (Don’t hold your breath…) Find the series here: Little Mermaid Part 1: The Golden Contract – Pushkin, Little Mermaid Part 2: The Fairytale Twist – Pushkin, Little Mermaid Part 3: Honestly Ever After – Pushkin

Lastly, Tarana Burke’s memoir Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement was just released, and I can’t put it down. It’s such an important book. Pick it up if you’re on the market for a new book.

Be well,

Jessica

Hello hello,

My first grader started a new school a few weeks ago, and I have to say it’s super interesting. In the short time we’ve been a part of the school community (and by “part of the community” I mean reading approx 50% of the stuff we’re supposed to…), they’ve emphasized that their primary goal is to instill a sense of purpose in each student. They make it clear that part of academic success for the young elementary students includes fighting for a cause bigger than themselves. This is reinforced through many different behaviors such as:

• The kids wear a simple uniform (purple polo and khaki pants) UNLESS they want to wear a shirt that highlights a cause they believe in (i.e. climate change, racial justice, etc). They can wear their “passion” shirts any day of the week.
• My first grader’s daily homework includes a section called “Today, I commit to…” where they have to write down any action they are taking to advance the causes they’re interested in.

You won’t be surprised to hear that I love these practices!

Now, here’s where it gets a little dicey for me …. it’s a public charter school, so we entered a lottery and were awarded a spot. However, I can’t help but feel guilty that we’re taking a spot at this school that could make a HUGE difference in someone else’s life (#whiteguilt?). It’s an extremely diverse student body – ethnically, socio-economically, racially – and it has a higher ‘rating’ than the local public school. (Cue deep breath) So, am I perpetuating my privilege by taking this spot? I know that statistically my kids are already so fortunate due to my husband/my education, socio-economic status, salaried jobs that allow us flexibility to support and prioritize our children’s education, on and on and on. And yet, I still didn’t enroll my kid in the neighborhood school because he got a spot in this charter school (ostensibly by chance). As much as I want to be comforted by the veil of a lottery, it feels flimsy. Let’s counter this stance with that of my husband who feels that we have every right to apply for and occupy a spot at this school (and he’s not wrong!). He’s generally like, ‘feel bad about what now??’ I’m not looking for anyone to say, “oh, it’s ok. yadda yadda yadda…” I simply want to be transparent about a) the choices were making and b) my own grappling with some of those choices. I generally think it’s a necessary exercise to look for and question when we’re take advantage of our privileges.

Anyway, while that’s my very local focus right now, there’s a big shit storm happening in Afghanistan… and so many people are in dire danger despite the fact that they’ve have no involvement whatsoever in the inciting conflict (isn’t that generally true for humanitarian crises though, smh…) Here’s a great resource to help those arriving from Afghanistan to the US:

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/how-you-can-help-afghan-refugees-arriving-to-the-u-s

You can also sign up to host refugees through Airbnb:

https://www.airbnb.org/refugees?af=&c=.pi0.pk121588132690_541731152764_c_&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIj7-S9P3P8gIVjgeICR0RbwkMEAAYASAAEgLCy_D_BwE

Admittedly, I was pretty ignorant about the history of Afghanistan so I was really intrigued by Throughline’s recent two part series on the history of the country: Afghanistan: The Center of the World : Throughline : NPR Afghanistan: The Rise of the Taliban : Throughline : NPR. In addition, with the 20th anniversary of 9/11, there’s a powerful and informative docuseries on Netflix called Turning Point that was super educational for me. I didn’t know it at the time (I was 15 on 09/11/2001), but I can now fully appreciate Barbara Lee’s, D-CA, courage to speak her truth as the only dissenting rep in Congress against the resolution to give the President essentially unchecked authorization to use military force. She simply wanted the country to pause and make the most informed decision before proceeding. What I find so ironic about this is that we often hear that a “woman can’t be President because she’s too ’emotional'”…

#blacklivesmatter #courageousconversations #powertoprivilege

Be well,

Jessica

Hello hello,

I had the most interesting experience at a new dentist today. First of all, I haven’t been to the dentist in 2 1/2 year… :-O… I know! I planned to keep my MN dentist when we were in CA temporarily. Then when things turned more permanent, I had a third baby so everything was secondary to survival, and then Covid hit! (I know you don’t care about my excuses, but I feel the need to voice them just to make myself feel better! #codependent) So, with our recent move to San Jose, it was seriously time to find a dentist (also, I bit into a piece of Dave’s Killer Bread toast and thought I cracked a filling for a couple of days which was the real reason I magically had time to find a dentist…) I picked this particular dental practice because it’s owned by a woman and employs all female dentists (#girlpower). So, as a new patient, I need the whole kit and caboodle – medical/oral history, 18 X-rays, extensive exam and power cleaning. The first hygienist I encountered was a woman named Tara, and she started on my X-rays. For context, the physical office space is under construction, and so the windows in the newly renovated dental stalls did not have curtains. There was a compact fan pointed directly at the patient chair, and I kindly asked if she could turn it down as I was getting a little chilly. She quickly obliged and told me, “We brought these fans in because without curtains, the sun tends to shine right on the patients and that’s extra uncomfortable for some patients who are going through the hot flashes.” I thought about that explanation throughout the rest of my X-rays. I should add – this is not a practice that only serves menopausal clients. It’s a practice that is run by women who bring the knowledge and perspective of the female experience into the ordinary task of a dental appointment. I couldn’t help but think this is exactly why diversity (in all sense of word, i.e. gender, race, thought…) matters. Why representation matters. It was awesome. This is the first reason I really liked Tara.

My second reason is more selfish. During my exam, the dentist, Dr. Lin, asked if I had children… or maybe she didn’t ask, but I tend to disclose that fact as I feel it helps explain why I look so tired (*ahem, I AM tired) and why there is probably Cheeto dust somewhere on my body. When I mentioned that I had three boys and listed their ages, Tara told me she also has three boys- 25, 24 and 21. So I made a joke, “You’re saying they actually grow up and move out cause that feels REAL far from now!” and I braced myself for the typical response to these kinds of jokes which I often make about my kids. But Tara said, “Yes, they do. But it takes a LONG time! It is hard and crazy, and just wait until they’re all involved in activities!” And I looked at Tara as if she had just given me the best gift in the world because in fact, she did give me a gift. She gave me the gift of meeting me with vulnerability and honesty! If Dr. Lin’s hands weren’t elbow deep in my mouth at that exact moment, I would have hugged Tara. The TYPICAL response I hear is “Oh, you’re going to miss this stage. Just enjoy it because it goes so fast! They’ll be grown up before you know it!” [Side note: Glennon Doyle has a phenomenal podcast episode about this exact topic: ‎We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle: PARENTING: How do we make this thrilling, terrifying roller coaster ride a little bit easier? on Apple Podcasts She beautifully articulates my exact sentiment here – better than I could ever describe myself.]

I objectively know that this overused, usually unsolicited advice about how the future me will long for the days that my kids were little is going to be true. I get it. But when you’re in the storm, is it actually helpful when someone who is on the other side of the storm tells you to make sure you don’t miss how great the storm is? NO! Because now in addition to surviving the storm, I also should feel guilty for not thoroughly enjoying every minute of the storm! So Thank you Tara for your real talk today. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. XoXo – I love you.

Be well my friends,

Jessica

#blacklivesmatter # courageousconversations #powertoprivilege

Hello hello,

Happy August – I cannot believe school starts tomorrow. It still feels like the middle of summer, but I also know not to trust my sense of time anymore. Days can feel like weeks and yet months fly by like hours. Despite this warped sense of time, there are so many things I’m currently jazzed about – I’m still obsessed with Leon Bridges, High on the Hog got picked up for a second season (!), and How the Word Is Passed (by Clint Smith) is seriously rocking my world.

We’re slowly moving into a new house, and in the meantime, we are living in a 2 bedroom apartment which we LOVE. If you want a snapshot of our move, picture sloths moving into a new house. We unpack a couple boxes and then retreat back to the apartment to swim in the pool. My husband and I have pinpointed why we’re obsessed with this apartment, and here are the reasons:

1. It feels like vacation
2. There’s no decision fatigue (i.e. we just have white dishes, white towels, and we wear the same clothes from our suitcases day after day)
3. Cleaning the space is quick and easy

I’m in denial that I’ll ever have to leave this place. I fully acknowledge this is the most privileged way to move on the face of the earth. We’re able to take an extremely stressful situation and slow the whole process down. I’m eternally grateful for this privilege, and I totally own it.

Moving on, I really learned a lot from Ashley C. Ford’ book Somebody’s Daughter, and here’s a conversation she had with the Codeswitch Podcast recently: Ashley C. Ford On ‘Somebody’s Daughter’, Forgiveness And Freedom : Code Switch : NPR

#blacklivesmatter #courageousconversations #powertoprivilege

Be well,

Jessica

Hello Hello!

What a crazy couple of weeks over here – moving from Petaluma to San Jose has been a total circus! We’re not totally settled, but there’s an end in sight.

My current obsession is Leon Bridges. I realize that I’m way late to appreciate his genius. He’s a musician from Fort Worth, TX (I know you’re all thinking, duh – we’ve been obsessed with him since 2015…), and his vibe is just so beautiful. On his most recent album, Gold-Diggers Sound, he includes a song that addresses the continued inequalities based on skin color. I believe it’s his first song that includes any political / activist messaging (but I could be wrong here). Anyway, check it out here:

Leon Bridges – Sweeter (Official Video) ft. Terrace Martin – YouTube

While you’re at it, feel free to get lost in the Leon Bridges Youtube rabbit hole… his npr tiny desk performance is one of my favs!

Be well,

Jessica

Hello hello,

Back from a wonderful visit to beautiful MN! It was so restorative to see dear friends and family for the first time in too long, and it reiterated the importance of real, human connection. The world feels a little bit smaller now that I know I can safely hop on a plane and be with the people I love.

One thing I do NOT love is traveling with an 18 months old…. Little Leo was a Big terror on the flight from SFO –> MSP. And, as I sat with him screaming on my lap and pulling the hair of the man in front of me (no joke), I remembered that we traveled to Cameroon when Remy was 18 months and almost didn’t make it. We vowed to never travel with an 18 month old again after that experience, but being cooped up in the house for over a year will make you rethink everything you’ve ever said in your life.

There were so many things about MN that caught my attention in ways they never did when we lived there. As we drove from the airport to my brother-in-law’s house, I could NOT get over how GREEN everything was! It was like (how I imagine) a psychedelic trip! Also, people were so nice on the road and in the stores. It’s funny how quickly humans adapt to a new environment…

Anyway, Malcolm Gladwell has done it again. He’s used his podcast to take a look at things that no one is really questioning, and he brings a new perspective to the surface. I just finished the second of two episodes of Revisionist History that looks at the US News College rankings. At this point, I’m not surprised to see how white privilege creeps into any and every scenario, but like Malcolm expresses, this one made me pretty mad. Check out both episodes here:

Lord of the Rankings – Pushkin

Project Dillard – Pushkin

Malcom teams up with a professor at Reed College who has ‘hacked’ the US News algorithm used to rank US colleges/universities, and it should not come as a shock that the rankings are a “perpetuation of privilege” as stated by Dillard College President Walter Kimbrough, PhD.

To say the ranking system is less than scientific is an understatement. Robert Morse, the US News Chief Data Strategist, is responsible for the US News ranking algorithm, and he is interviewed about the factors that go into ranking colleges. His answers to Malcolm’s questions make him sound so uninformed and ignorant that it really solidified the argument around the bias within the rankings. Essentially, the more money accumulated and the more rich, white people a university has in attendance directly correlates to the ranking. The episodes go into a lot more detail with many examples that I can’t do it justice here. Here’s a visual just to whet your appetite:

I have to admit that I’ve looked at these rankings and assessed my own accomplishments and worthiness based on where my own school falls within the list. It’s a wake up call to rethink where I place prestige and value. Per Malcolm’s suggestion, I hope Dr. Kimbrough and other university presidents team up to reject the US News Rankings.

(Do you see how I’ve started to refer to Malcolm Gladwell as Malcolm? I guess we’re close.)

#powertoprivilege #blacklivesmatter #courageousconversations

Be good,

Jessica