Hello hello,

I need to vent about another recent endeavor here, and I fear this may elicit some serious hate mail. The topic: Hot Pot. We recently went to a local Hot Pot restaurant, and I have so many thoughts about the experience. First of all, let me say I love Korean food. This not a critique of the food, but, rather my specific experience. Hot Pot is a genius business model. They bring out raw ingredients, and the patrons PAY to cook their own food! I see the appeal if it’s just Chris and I (slightly), but attempting to enjoy the experience with 3 small children is a fool’s errand. Here’s how it went:

1) the kids were expecting the food to be edible as soon as the waiter dropped it at the table so we started out with unmet expectations (thankfully someone brought them dumdum suckers while the food cooked)

2) I’m so short that I couldn’t reach the cook top while seated so I had to stand the whole time in order to cook the food

3) You have to be careful not to over-order or you’ll be charged a ‘waste-fee’, but the kids don’t know if they’re full or hungry as they eat a bite and then wait for a while! All-in-all, it was so much work and math to eat at the restaurant that I left hungry. I can’t wait to try Hot Pot again…minus all my offspring.

Alas, I need to re-highlight some of the best Brene Brown podcast episodes since we are all anxiously awaiting her return to the podcast airwaves this fall. Please enjoy:

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/inclusion-on-purpose/

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/accessing-joy-and-finding-connection-in-the-midst-of-struggle/

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/masterpieces-and-messes/

Malcom Gladwell’s second half of season 7 also just started back up- he’s got an episode where he revisits a concept he wrote about in Outliners. Check out the latest episode here:

https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/revisionist-history/outliers-revisited

Of course the students at UPenn that are involved in the episode don’t want to right-size their privilege of being the oldest kids in their class…

#courageousconversations #powertoprivilege #blacklivesmatter

Talk soon,

Jessica

Hello hello,

My youngest son recently swallowed a penny, and I can’t help but think what a universal, parental experience it is to wait for a coin to pass through the GI tract (how odd). On the day of the incident, Leo and I locked eyes from across the room. He raised the penny between his little, pudgy fingers for me to see, and he said, “I’m gonna eat this.” True to his word, he swallowed it without so much as a grimace. Then the waiting began. What’s extra fun is needing to tell the other caretakers in his life that we’re collectively on poop-watch. His daycare teacher was nonplussed when I asked her to check his Pull-Ups very carefully that day (I mean, she’s seen it all, right?) Luckily, we retrieved the penny three days later, and no medical intervention was required. I commiserate with everyone currently waiting for a coin to pass. God speed.

Season 7 of the Revisionist History podcast is here, and there are some must-listen episodes. Episode 3 – In Triplicate will shock no one if you’ve been following the Purdue Pharma / Sackler family saga at the core of the opioid crisis… (Empire of Pain by Patrick Radden Keefe is a must read), but it’s still super interesting. As a former federal government employee, I appreciate the insight into how oversight programs can empirically improve outcomes:

https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/revisionist-history/in-triplicate

The episode I’m actually here for is this one:

https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/revisionist-history/when-will-met-grace

When Will Met Grace. Whoa – what a great exploration of a seemingly benign endeavor that had a monumental impact. The episode explores the impact of the TV show Will & Grace which debuted on NBC in September 1998. First of all, Malcolm examines the correlation between TV consumption in the 1980’s/1990’s and political affiliations. Bottom line- the more TV people watched, the more centrist their political leanings became. This makes sense in a pre-Netflix era when 50 million Americans watched an episode of Friends and went to work the next day to bond over it. The shared experience of a TV show (one that you couldn’t pause or easily record) united otherwise very different people. So enter Will & Grace. Initially, the show couldn’t please anyone – the GLAAD organization felt it didn’t go far enough to fully represent the gay lived experience, and the NBC executives initially felt it was too progressive. Kudos to the show’s creators who navigated this very fine line. Ultimately, the punch line is that before Will and Grace, there was something like 25% support for same sex marriage in America. After the show’s 11 season run, there was over 50% support for same sex marriage. While no one can deny that there are many factors that could have contributed to the country’s shift regarding same sex marriage, Will & Grace played a significant part in bring that shift to fruition.

It makes me wonder about the current “golden era of TV” (I only know this is a thing people are saying these days because it’s been referenced in my podcasts. I am sadly oblivious to great TV shows now, but I am keeping a list of shows to watch when my kids leave the house…) We can all scroll the endless lists of spectacular, niche shows on multiple streaming services that serve up content which directly aligns with our individual values/views/perspectives. On one hand, this is so important for representation in entertainment and the opportunity to find community on the screen. On the other hand, have we lost something here? These days, 3 – 4 million viewers (simultaneously) of a top streaming TV show is deemed remarkable…aka gone are the days that 80 million of us walk into work ready to bond over an episode of Cheers regardless of our views on abortion or immigration or student loan forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t believe that ignorance is bliss. I think we’re collectively a better-informed population, but we’re a population that doesn’t first connect on what we have in common; rather, we focus on how we’re different, and maybe, in the past, TV helped us recognize each other’s humanity first.

After listening, I personally land here: expanded representation in entertainment is long overdue/crucial and the shared experience of old-school TV did a lot of good for the country. Why do we have to choose?

Still thinking about all of this…

-Jessica

Hello hello,

Happy fall! This weekend, I’ve decided time travel is real. Let me set the stage… Friday evening, cooking lentils and beignets on the outside cooktop, blasting music on the speaker. My kids have a LOT of musical demands so we were cycling through their current favorites. Don’t worry, I don’t tolerate traditional ‘kid music’ so their favorites these days are Lizzo, Michael Jackson (I know…), Bad Bunny, and all things Greatest Showman. This is very tolerable considering the alternative (e.g. Raffe). But, then I was missing my best friends from college, and I wished so badly we were together, preferably starting our night at the Tribunal metro stop, then Melocoton, and then that dance club that we still don’t remember the name of… And that’s when it dawned on me.

I wrestled my phone out of my 2 1/2 year old’s hand….. [just kidding, what kind of parent would give their phone to a kid under 3 after the WHO declared that kids under 3 should have no screen time?!Just kidding again….we all would. All parents.] When I feel disconnected from my people, I transport myself to them through music. So, I searched on Spotify for the Top Hits from my college graduation year and started playing the playlist as loud as the speakers would go. Voila!! I was right back in the dingy basement at Joshua Tree in Allston, MA (albeit this evening there were no vodka redbulls and much shorter dance partners).

I’m sure we’ve all had the experience – you hear a song from high school or college, and it actually takes you to that physical/emotional location in your life. There’s an amazing book about this phenomenon called This is Your Brain on Music by Daniel Levitin. It explains the neuroscience behind the outsized impact of music from our teens/early 20s and why we are so emotionally attached to the music from this time period.

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/this-is-your-brain-on-music-the-science-of-a-human-obsession_daniel-j-levitin/248007/item/4723900/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw08aYBhDlARIsAA_gb0cX-rWrQfcc9iibCzKqglF6UoSy1i889Lat6YwQW27nqnVgUE8HfuIaAnPNEALw_wcB#idiq=4723900&edition=4392789

So, you might ask, what does this have to do with time travel? Well, I realized that if I could convince (aka force) my young kids to fall in love with the music from my college years, I can experience the best of my present and my past at the same time! And that felt magical.

Starting a new book – Inheritance: An Autobiography of Whiteness by Baynard Woods. The author was on the Codeswitch podcast this week:

https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2022/08/30/1120063333/baynard-woods-inheritance-an-autobiography-of-whiteness

Sounds like one of the more authentic explorations of whiteness I’ve come across. Hoping to learn where I can focus next in my own journey!

Talk soon,

Jessica

PS – I graduated college in 2008 …. Don’t Stop the Music – Rihanna, No One – Alicia Keys, Apologize – Timbaland, Chasing Pavements – Adele…and the greatest of all time…. Love in This Club – Usher. Mic drop.

Hello hello,

I hope everyone is right where they need to be on this Friday afternoon – mentally and physically. I’m at home, music- capital B – Blasting, piles of books on either side of my computer, and just about ready to open a bottle of ice cold Rose. Heaven. The only thing that could make this any better is if all of my best friends were sitting around this dining room table with me. I’ll go a step further, if anyone – best friend or stranger – was at this table with me. Which leads me to my recent, brilliant business idea…

A few months ago on a Sunday afternoon, I was getting ready to run some errands alone, and my gracious husband told me to take my time (very sexy!) so I threw my book in my purse on my way out the door. After a few stops, I found myself walking around a little neighborhood Main street wishing there was a book store I could pop into and get a glass of wine. And that’s when I started to wonder – why aren’t there bookstore/wine bars on every corner?! It was a perfect combination of all my favorite things in life – humans, books, and wine. So I rushed home to explain this blossoming idea to my husband. Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a little indy book store that had a big wine bar in the middle where people came to hang out, read, and sip some wine? This sounded like a million dollar idea! [I already had a store name – The Extroverted Reader!]

So, after I tell my husband that we have to contact Shark Tank, we dive into the details. And I’ll warn you – it’s a little grim. First, brick and mortar stores are objectively on the decline (#borders #babiesrus #circuitcity #allsmalltownmom&popstoresever). Second, many people who like to read generally don’t want to do it in the company of strangers. Third, how exactly does one read a book AND talk to strangers at the same time? Needless to say, we thoroughly explored the idea only to realize what we were describing is a Book Club!!! People have been getting together to drink and talk about books forever. Hello! (Have no fear, I still intend to pursue the Extroverted Reader in some form or another)

My excitement around this whole topic was revitalized this week when I learned that two amazing women I work with are also prolific readers. Is there anything better than connecting with people around a shared interest? IMO, it’s the meaning of life #community. I remember I had a former boss who talked about feeling god/spirituality in nature (I see you camping people), and I personally feel god/spirituality in humanity.

Of course, I have to recommend a podcast before signing off. So speaking of spirituality, check out the We Can Do Hard Things with Cole Arthur Riley here:

Cole Arthur Riley is way wise beyond her years. She has so much to teach all of us.

Talk soon,

Jessica

Hello hello,

Where is the time going!? It’s an age-old, rhetorical question that I’m starting to ask in a non-rhetorical way… Like seriously- how can time pass this quickly? I’ve heard a mathematical answer to this question – when you’re 5 years old, 1 year is 20% of your life. So of course a year feels like forever. But, as you age, any increment of time is a smaller percentage of your total experience on this planet so the perceived passage of the same objective amount of time (e.g. 1 year) is faster. I’m not sure I buy it – mostly because I don’t remember jack shit from when I was 5, but I’m passing it along nonetheless.

There is so much going on these days in the news globally and domestically – too much of which I claim to be ‘too-busy’ to pay attention to.

My family and I had a beautiful visit in MN over the 4th of July, and I was totally restored by multiple gatherings with my best friends from high school (reminder – ‘best friend’ is a tier, not a person. thank you #Mindy Kaling). We got all the families together one night which included 14 kids under the age of 7 (my oldest is the oldest). The adults are thoroughly out numbered at this point, and yet the vibe at the party was so laid back and joyful. It’s one of life’s greatest gifts to watch the kids punch, wrestle, and torment each other (#idontpromoteviolence).

In a girls-only brunch, we had an intriguing conversation about Gen Z’ers, and their (stereotype warning) approach to work/life. We gently debated the pros and cons of the Gen Z mentality that we are directly observing as Millennials in the workforce. This conversation was recently re-stimulated when I saw a NY Times article by Tim Kreider titled, “It’s Time to Stop Living the American Scam”:

I have discussed this many times in this blog – we live in a generation/society/time that values busyness/exhaustion. I am such a ‘victim’ of conforming to this value (or to put a positive spin on it, I should say I’m #winning at the exhaustion game!). I’ve internalized that working myself to the point of exhaustion is not only normal and expected but admirable. As a generalization, Gen Z’ers are starting to challenge this status quo, and I see many in my generation and earlier generations threatened by this spirit of nonconformity. I think the ‘threat’ is really fueled by a kind of jealousy – we SO wish we could leave our 9-5 job and pursue a passion that pays less but is actually fulfilling. It’s not that Gen Z’ers don’t want to work – it’s that they want actual life-work balance, and they want their work to be meaningful and purposeful. Us millennials want the same thing in theory, but we’re too immersed in the culture of consumer capitalism and perceived social status to make impactful changes to our lifestyles. Anyway, my key takeaway is to continue to observe the up and comers with an open mind because I know they have much to teach me.

Be well,

Jessica

PS – How many times do I have to italicize the word actual/actually to make sure the way I’m saying it in my head comes across here? Apparently 100% of the time. 🙂

What the serious fuck?

We have been living on the precipice of this tragedy every single day since Sandy Hook, and we will continue to live here each and every day until we decide to take action in this country. My kids or your kids could be next and do not think it won’t happen to you. We are so naively lulled into apathy between each of these indefensible acts. When this happens again, we cannot continue to act shocked. Let’s stop pretending this problem can’t be solved. EVERY OTHER NATION in the world has solved this problem. Our elected officials have accepted this as the cost of protecting a bullshit ‘right’, but the only thing being protected is the wealth and power of a few elected individuals who are too cowardly to admit their motives. Among all the outrage flying around social media, one post in particular has stuck with me. “If nothing was done after Sandy Hook, nothing will be done.” Twenty (20) little white children from well-to-do families were murdered at Sandy Hook, and the government did nothing to prevent the next mass murder despite an overwhelming majority of Americans in favor of reform. That is an entire classroom of children. My first grader’s entire classroom. Maybe yours. And if the most privileged in this nation could not appeal to the humanity of those ostensibly in positions to represent them, we should not hold out hope that the less privileged can do so. Therefore, the elected officials and every last American who voted for them continue to accept these massacres as part of the American dream.

How is this possible?

A majority of Americans agree to universal background checks (89%) and bans on assault rifles (81%). So why can’t we make that happen?! Ronald Brownstein from The Atlantic writes, “… because gun control is one of many issues in which majority opinion in the nation runs into the brick wall of a Senate rule—the filibuster—that provides a veto over national policy to a minority of the states, most of them small, largely rural, preponderantly white, and dominated by Republicans.”

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2022/05/senate-state-bias-filibuster-blocking-gun-control-legislation/638425/

We cannot forget – the system IS NOT broken. The system is operating exactly as designed.

I cannot fathom a single situation in which it makes any sense to sell an automatic riffle to a teenager (willing to listen to anyone who has a compelling case). I actually can’t think of a single situation in which anyone outside of the military needs an automatic rifle. Who is selling these weapons to babies?!? And what do they think is going to happen?!? How can we hold them accountable?

There’s a reason it’s called “common sense” gun reform. For those who feel the need to own a firearm, there are reasonable and safe ways for individuals to do so. I personally don’t understand why anyone a) finds killing animals for sport enjoyable or b) needs to defend themselves against… the boogie man(?), but I can set my judgements aside to allow those proclivities to persist. There are a million options between the the current, free-for-all gun laws and those that ‘impinge’ on one’s ‘second amendment right’. [Quick aside, rights are just fallible, man-made ideas, btw. There’s nothing divine or universal about ‘rights’ especially ones as old as those listed in the Second Amendment which were declared in an era when slavery reigned supreme (ahem – not a great look), women were considered property, and people thought disease was transmitted via hexes and spells… why have we (ok, most of us) ‘outgrown’ all of these concepts and yet we want to interpret gun rights in the most basic, literal sense? WTF?]

As you can probably tell, I’m oscillating between intense rage and extreme despair. I’m looking for someone, somewhere to tell me what I can do to make this stop. I’m signing petitions, calling representatives, and donating money – all of it feels useless. I’m not sure how we ban together to see the change we want to see. And while we fuck around looking at each other, the countdown until the next tragedy has begun….

P.S. For an extra kick in the pants, these people claim to be Pro-Life. The irony is not lost on me (or…anyone.)

UPDATE:

Must listens:

We Can Do Hard Things – How We’ll Save Our Kids from the Gun Lobby’s Greed with Shannon Watts (Founder of Mom’s Demand Action)

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-well-save-our-kids-from-the-gun-lobbys-greed/id1564530722?i=1000563939021

Codeswitch: Rethinking ‘safety’ in the wake of Uvalde

https://www.npr.org/2022/04/19/1093537308/rethinking-safety-in-the-wake-of-uvalde

Consider texting READY to 64433 to get involved in your local chapter of Moms Demand Action (one need not be a mom to get involved). We can drive change.

#powertoprivilege #courageousconversations #gunlawreform

-Jessica

Hello hello,

In case you missed it (as if you care…), Brene Brown announced she’s taking a 14 week sabbatical over the summer. She’s pausing her podcasts and ‘going dark’ on social media while also giving her entire company 4 weeks of paid vacation (in addition to their normal vacation policy) this summer. She’s said repeatedly over the last year that ‘people are not ok. we are not ok’. Between the pandemic, racially motivated hate crimes, attacks on reproductive rights, stressful work environments, and all the unique challenges we are each facing in our daily lives, OF COURSE WE’RE NOT OK!! And Brene is walking the talk by offering her team a reprieve. Of course, it won’t fix everything, but it most definitely won’t hurt.

Between this and a recent conversation with a coworker who will soon be heading out on a 2 1/2 week vacation, I’ve also made the decision to schedule some true vacation time this summer. My family will be visiting MN for 2 weeks over the 4th of July, and I was originally planning on working remotely while attempting to offload the kids to various friends and family. After pausing to think through how my husband and I would manage this AND seeing examples of people modeling what real rest looks like, I’m taking the whole trip as a vacation from work. This decision feels outright scandalous! Audre Lorde said, ““Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” I cannot sit back and preach that we should stop touting exhaustion as a status symbol without walking the walk. (Also, I have to acknowledge my privilege to be able to do this. It is not lost on me.)

I don’t have the energy to articulate all of my thoughts and feelings regarding the attack on Roe v. Wade today. I don’t have the energy to express my sadness around the white supremacy driven hate crime that happened in Buffalo this week. But, both deserve so much public outrage, and I’m mentally and spiritually at every protest, march, and act of resistance across the nation.

The Codeswitch podcast is featuring a series called “School Colors” about a school district in Queens, NY that received a state-funded Diversity plan and the racial antics that ensued. Check out the first episode of the series here:

https://www.npr.org/2022/05/03/1096469394/why-a-diverse-school-district-erupted-in-chaos-when-chosen-for-a-diversity-plan

The series reminds me of the Serial/NY Times affiliated show “Nice White Parents” which was the inspiration for the name of this blog.

#blacklivesmatter #powertoprivilege #courageousconversations

-Jessica

Hello Hello,

I was about to write “Hope this note finds you well” which is a phrase I use way to often in work emails. Why do we say that? Do I really care how the note finds someone, or do I just want to pretend to ease the burden of some task I’m going to request? What if they are not well when they receive my note? I’ve never once received a response of “Actually, I’m not well. I’m overwhelmed and scared and trying to juggle too many things. How about you?” But, on more than one occasion, that would be my honest response if I open an email and see that introductory line. Maybe we should all try it!

I’m still completely caught up in my own thoughts as I process a podcast I just listened to. This week on We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle, Dr. Yaba Blay really challenged a lot of the standard DEI work that’s happening all across the nation. Dr. Blay is the author of One Drop: Shifting the Lens on Race. I’m drawn to her unapologetic style of sharing her opinion, and she always leaves me with something to think about more deeply. Here’s the podcast episode:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things-with-glennon-doyle/id1564530722?i=1000554326811

A couple of concepts stood out to me in this discussion, but none more than the idea of accomplice vs. ally. We’re all inundated with ally training in our professional settings – what is an ally, how to be an ally, etc. But, I LOVE the way Dr. Blay rejects this language. We can say we’re ‘allies’ while still living in the comfort of our privileged world. She explains that it feels emotionally distanced from the actual change that the ally movement is purporting to accomplish. She prefers the word accomplice. While Dr. Blay acknowledges the criminal connotation with the word accomplice, it more accurately portrays the necessary type of relationship needed to work toward sustained change. She recaps the concept like this, “Think about it emotively. So Abby [she’s talking to Abby Wambach], if I call you at 2 o’clock in the morning, I’m like, “you know I need you to be my accomplice. I gotta take care of this.” What’s Abby gonna do? Abby’s gonna grease up, get in the car, and come get me knowing that she’s taking a risk. Knowing that she could get in trouble with me, but knowing that I need her and it needs to get done. If I call Abby and I say, “I need you to be my ally”, emotively, “ok well how can I support you?”…She don’t have to get in the car, she don’t have to put any skin in the game…she can just support me from a distance. So for me, again, right or wrong, you all can come with the definitions and the actualization, I don’t care, I’m talking about how it feels…”

And shouldn’t that be the only thing that matters? The feelings of those for which we’re claiming to be allies? This is a relatively minor change in language that radically changes the actions and relationships necessary to fight for racial equality. There are many more ideas in the episode that are equally thought-provoking i.e. the controversial comparison of the fact that there is no discussion on whether or not animal’s lives matter… so why all the discussion about the concept of Black Lives Matter? And worse yet, why the need to tie diversity initiatives to the bottom line?!?! (Ok, the bottom line thing is my own personal disdain, but I’m positive Dr. Blay would agree!) Please listen and prepare to grow.

#blacklivesmatter #courageousconversations #powertoprivilege

-Jessica

Hello hello,

Wow – there’s so much going on, I’m not even sure where to start. Russia has invaded Ukraine resulting in the senseless loss of life, the Florida House passed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, the Texas Attorney General declared pediatric gender-affirming procedures to be child abuse, and Dr. Paul Farmer died (one of my personal heroes). As a highly sensitive person, it’s difficult not to succumb to debilitating sadness these days. However, Biden has nominated the first Black woman to the Supreme Court (!!), a woman in Miami delivered a baby on the side of the road, a little boy was reunited with his beloved teddy bear after leaving it on a flight … ( I may have Googled ‘good news this week’ to round out the last two examples here…) I hate that looking for any type of good news right now feels like toxic positivity, but what’s the alternative? Karen Walrond, author of The Lightmaker’s Manifesto argues that hanging on to joy in times of sadness is the antidote to emotional burnout. Throughout history, we see celebration despite unspeakable horrors. She gives the example of the Carnival celebration originating in the Caribbean amidst the atrocities of slavery. She says that sustained activism requires a sustained practice of gratitude and joy. Check out her conversation on the topic with Brene here:

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/accessing-joy-and-finding-connection-in-the-midst-of-struggle/

An easy form of activism right now is donating to help families in Ukraine. Squeeze your family, allow yourself to feel joy for the positive things in your life, and use that joy to help someone else – xoxoxo

#powertoprivilege #courageousconversations #ukranianlivesmatter

-Jessica