Hello hello,

I recently completed this program at work that included a bunch of sessions with a leadership coach (#privilege). This poor guy… can you imagine dealing me with?! He deserves an extra large bonus this year. Our sessions would start with a very manageable topic, and I’d quickly turn them into personal therapy sessions followed by an expansive look at the broader evolution of humanity and our capacity to operate in this advanced society with our rudimentary hardware (aka our brains). Give me a micro problem, and I guarantee I can find you a systemic root cause in no time!

Anyway, I did have one really pertinent breakthrough during this process. I need to better manage the healthy tension between trying to remain likeable while also being efficient in the workplace. This is a budding realization that requires much more exploration! Luckily for that poor guy, he’s off the hook, and I’m now on my own. #growthisuncomfortable

Speaking of likeability (??)… I cannot stop thinking about manners and traditions. Like – what are manners? I’m not talking about general courtesy (like saying please and thank you). I’m talking about capital M Manners…. why can’t we put our elbows on the table or eat with certain forks for certain courses or eat with our mouths open? I heard a very interesting conversation about manners on a podcast recently that really resonated. The explanation was that these ‘manners’ evolved from England a long time ago and were used to differentiate wealthy white people from the rest of the world. And by adhering to these arbitrary rules for etiquette, the elites were able to ‘other’ themselves from people of color and white working class folks. Once they could intellectualize this distinction, they could stomach the concept of slavery. It makes so much sense. Who decided these crazy ways of operating were the ‘right’ ways?! If you travel anywhere else in the world, you see a completely different set of ‘manners’. Maybe this is totally obvious to everyone, but I now feel like putting my elbows on the table as an act of quiet resistance 😉

And what is tradition? Isn’t ‘tradition’ just picking an arbitrary point in time and saying “this is the way we do things” which leaves no room for growth or change? Is tradition a way to excuse inexcusable past behavior? To evolve, do we have to balk at tradition? It feels like a blanket concept to preserve a moment in time. It’s so human to want to keep things how we like them! I’m all for learning from history and understanding what happened in the past as a way to inform where we should go in the future. But, that feels very different – that’s an academic pursuit as a means to ensure we’re not repeating catastrophic mistakes. Tradition feels like it’s linked to morality. That it’s a preservation of the ‘good’ way and any sort of change is veering off course. Obviously, every tradition is not created equal – it’s a spectrum from innocuous to malicious. Interestingly – I actually feel guilty that I’m not establishing enough traditions with my kids… Is that innate? learned?

If nothing else, this thought experiment/rabbit hole has confirmed I lean toward the progressive mindset (#duh). It makes me want to explore more. Are there facets of manners and traditions that I’m missing? It also confirms that everything we do, think, and believe is completely made up. What’s the difference between reality and fiction? #itsallfiction

Talk soon,

Jessica

Hello hello,

Happy almost summer time! Is there anything better? We are so excited to take a break from the grueling school routine and enjoy some YMCA camps and extended travel.

I am so ecstatic that Brene Brown is back to putting out podcasts, and we HAVE to talk about her series about “life beyond human scale” which is dedicated to exploring all sides of AI. The premise of the title is that we are currently living well beyond the bounds of how we’ve historically operated as humans. We have 24/7 access to all the suffering of the world, and we’re not wired to process it. Add in the fact that artificial intelligence is here to transform our lives on the scale of the steam engine or electricity. All companies and all individuals are scrambling to learn as much as possible in order to navigate this immense uncertainty. While I obviously encourage you to listen to all 6 episodes in Brene’s series, there are a few key takeaway’s I’d highlight:

• This AI advancement didn’t happen overnight! It feels that way to many of us, but governments, institutions, and academic institutions have been working on these concepts for centuries (yes, centuries!). Check out this Dare to Lead episode with Amy Webb:

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/whats-coming-and-whats-here/

After listening, I promptly ordered The Big Nine and can confirm Chapter 1 about the history of AI is enlightening. We all think about AI in terms of the technology (the code, computing power, hardware, etc), but it really starts with exploring the concept of what it means to think as a human. It’s phenomenal. Amy also outlines that “Super Cycle” we are in now, and we are all part of Gen T (generation transition) – it’s exciting and terrifying!

• AI will most definitely NOT solve unconscious bias without pointed action by humans. AI is only a tool – it’s only as powerful as the ways that we humans decide to use it. Not to mention that the 100+ years of data that it’s drawing on are rife with our existing biases! This is why Brene’s conversation with S. Craig Watkins is a must listen!

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/why-ais-potential-to-combat-or-scale-systemic-injustice-still-comes-down-to-humans/

• Lastly, I cannot neglect one of my most favorite cross-overs with Esther Perel and Brene Brown. They talk about AI as Artificial Intimacy:

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/new-ai-artificial-intimacy/

I can’t even begin to explain how strongly this conversation resonated with me! I never underestimate the value of human connection in my own life. I LIVE to connect with people whether that means going to an event, having people over for a meal, or hanging at our neighborhood park. There is a palpable vibration of human interaction that I regularly seek out. I’m grateful for the virtual way to connect now, but nothing will ever replace meeting friends at the bar to unload a week’s worth of gossip/emotion/frustration. It’s how I’m wired to exist in this world. How do we maintain this level of intimacy in the digital world?

Talk soon,

Jessica

#powertoprivilege #courageousconversations

Better late than never…

Hello hello,

Welcome to 2024. That feels like a fake year – one we are still thinking about entertaining in the future.

As we approach MLK day, I listened to a very interesting podcast episode about the bending of the MLK message to fit any agenda.

https://www.npr.org/2024/01/10/1197954537/everyone-from-the-tea-party-to-immigrants-rights-groups-want-a-piece-of-dr-king

It’s so interesting to think about movements that pick and chose pieces of a message for their own benefit. Don’t get me wrong- we all do it. We find the parts that fit and conveniently italic, bold, and underline them while keeping the overall intent of the message obscured. To think that the Tea Party co-opted MLK’s message as their own is eye opening.

More to come!!

Talk soon,

Jessica

PS The author of one of my favorite books in 2023 was just on my favorite podcast! I live for that kind of crossover. Check it our here:

https://armchairexpertpod.com/pods/matthew-desmond

Matthew Desmond is the author of Poverty, by America A MUST READ!!!

Hello hello,

What a holiday week over here! Doing all the things – entertaining kids who are home for break and going to 4 year old christmas concerts (which should be considered an act of charity) … Then, I had a one-two punch today. One: My 6 year old saw me this morning and asked, “Mommy, why do you have on your fancy clothes?”…. I was in khaki pants and a sweatshirt. So I’ll let you infer what my typical wardrobe has been lately… Two: I went to pick up my 4 year old from daycare and one kid said, “Leo, your Mommy is here!” and another kid said, “Leo, your gramma’s here!”, and the new teacher looked over at me and said, “Leo, your gramma’s here!” LOL #winning

I’m in a real deep rabbit hole these days – this year, I saw Ed Sheeran live in Minneapolis and then saw him again in Santa Clara a few weeks later. I’m totally wrapped up in his recently released music as well as his whole life (thank you Disney+ for a docuseries about him!) Ed collaborates with so many Black artists, both African American and African, and he seems to have genuine friendships/bonds with these artists. These friendships appear to be authentic and also happen to create a magical, musical fit – but I pause to really ask myself why? What’s working within this dynamic and ultimately who’s benefiting?

It can feel random – You think you’re watching a Nigerian music video and half way thought this short, ginger, white man pops in! #thisismymostplayedsongin2023

I feel like Ed is SO lucky be invited into this space. And then I wonder if Flyboy DML instead feels lucky that Ed is on his record. Isn’t that an interesting idea – if they feel equally lucky, it’s probably a great, non-exploitative collaboration? That’s what I’m really wondering – is someone being exploited in this arrangement?

Do you think Ed has some kind of savior complex? Like he thinks he’s making the careers of these artists? Does his own music benefit by co-opting African beats and sounds?? I mean, personally I now know about a Nigerian artist because of the collaboration with Ed Sheeran… is that good? bad? It’s like a gateway drug that results in a broader love and appreciation for an artist. I go back to the fact that Ed Sheeran doesn’t need this to boost his career. So, it’s authentic? Per usual, no answers, just thousands of questions and bleeding ear drums…

It does makes sense to me – Ed talks about feeling ‘other’ as a kid – ginger hair, glasses, and a stutter (#sexy). Black folks were/are also ‘other’ in British culture. This mutual rejection by the in crowd creates a common enemy. Ultimately – I’m thankful for this mutual, cultural rejection because it has led to a beautiful friendship / collaboration. This is a brilliant reminder that OBVIOUSLY talent is universally distributed, opportunity is not. Africa has an abundance of ‘undiscovered’ musical talent that doesn’t break through in America. Any/all exposure only benefits the listeners and the artists – right?

Wow. So much to think about here. 🙂 Happiest of holidays as 2023 winds down!

-Jessica

Hello hello,

Happy Thanksgiving season! This is the most excited I’ve been in recent years for this holiday. I’m mostly looking forward to a break from work and attempting to slow down for a week. Of course, the boys are home from school all week, so I’m not sure how slow things will be. The kids have been watching all the Black Friday commercials which led to this recent exchange:

Ashton: Mommy, why do they call it Black Friday?

Remy: Because it’s shopping for Black people, and we’re Black so we get the deals.

[To be fair, there was a Black family in the commercial during this exchange so I think Remy used deductive reasoning to piece together the answer! lol]

In other news, I have a new author obsession so can we please talk about Abraham Verghese?! Not only is he a world renown infectious disease doctor, but he’s also a PULTIZER PRIZE winning novelist! His most recent book, Covenant of Water will completely screw you up. I’m now down a total AV rabbit hole – reading all his books from the 1990’s when he was at the forefront of the AIDS epidemic in rural Tennessee… He has a great interview with Steve Levitt here:

https://freakonomics.com/podcast/abraham-verghese-thinks-medicine-can-do-better/

It’s a excellent reminder that reading fiction isn’t just a frivolous pastime. We can actually learn a lot from fictitious characters and settings and plotlines. Authors can really push the boundaries under the veil of fiction, and that distance between the author and the story creates a beautiful freedom. Happy reading 🙂

Talk soon,

Jessica

Hello hello,

I’ve recently come to accept that there are no new ideas in this world – everything is repackaged. This is particularly prevalent to me right now because so many current fads happen to be things that have a long history (maybe this is true of all fads???). A couple examples:

• A few popular scientists are telling us to spend 20 minutes facing the sun at dawn to establish our circadian rhythms and draw energy for the day. Hello! – 3500 years of Vedic practice has already established the benefits of this activity
• Sauna-ing and cold plunging – the Nordic countries have been doing this since 1112 AD! This is not a new trend with recently discovered health benefits despite

While I have many sarcastic jokes here, I don’t actually have malice toward the propagators of these old ideas which are repackaged as new – we all think we’re discovering something new (myself included!). And it’s not totally wrong – in fact, it’s sort of comforting. These things are new to us, and there’s a new application to the present day. It’s comforting because it shows the cyclical nature of our collective wisdom as a species.

Which leads to be the biggest example of all (at least in my opinion). Therapy. After the informal ‘research’ I’ve conducted on this topic, I’m not sure how to distill this down. Across white America, therapy has become an essential and lucrative enterprise over the last 50 years. And… it’s becoming apparent that our culture has created this vast market for therapy which is not to take away from how necessary is it. But… I will entertain the idea that it may be a manufactured market?

I think we’re seeing the result of American culture having over exaggerated the importance of individualism for a couple hundred years. I’m biased here because I’ve married into a culture that is very different than white American culture. One easy example – to me, cooking can feel like a burden. Standing alone in the kitchen pulling random stuff from the fridge to piece together a meal for the kids is the definition of a chore (to me). But, if I could cook with my closest 5 friends for a few hours while bitching about everything and everyone… that’s a different experience. That’s the experience of women all over the globe – gathering for hours with cousins, neighbors, aunts, siblings… talking and joking and singing – isn’t that therapy?

Only in America have we removed the inherent benefits of community from daily life.

I’ll give another example which highlights my privilege. I regularly get manicures from my favorite nail salon. There’s a rich history of the nail salon industry in the US and the connections to Vietnam- check it out here: https://www.npr.org/2019/05/19/724452398/how-vietnamese-americans-took-over-the-nails-business-a-documentary

Here’s what I know… when I’m in the nail salon, there’s no doubt about the sense of community created in the small space. Women laughing, discussing, and disagreeing in their native tongue about all aspects of life. I’m always attempting to insert myself into the strong sense of community in these spaces. #whiteprivilege. Seriously, I’m an outsider trying to understand and become a part of this micro-community… because it’s human nature to want to belong! It’s another beautiful example of therapy in the wild.

Ultimately, the antidote to loneliness is a shared purpose as a community. We were designed to understand and act on this shared purpose as a species – we’ve moved so far away from this basic principle that’s it’s started to become novel. It’s so novel, we don’t look to our community to fulfill this basic human need- we have to sign up for individual therapy.

Let’s add another layer – we’re learning more and more about the importance of the brain-body connection (PLEASE check out Gabor Mate’s work – here’s a great Armchair Expert episode where he talks about some of his work:

https://armchairexpertpod.com/pods/gabor-mate

One aspect of the brain-body connection is exercise. Exercise is seriously a panacea for physical and mental ailments. So, what do we know? The connection with other humans and moving our bodies are both essential to our species…

So… no wonder I routinely wish I was dancing at the club?! Physical exertion among a group of people who are sharing the same experience?! Heaven. It could be quite possibly the highest form of therapy, and if we take a global look, no wonder there’s lasting power in traditional Indigenous dancing, African tribal dances, Zumba classes at the local gym, even the YMCA dance at white people weddings!

So of course all of my most joyous moments have been dancing at the club or dancing at Cameroonian events. These are the moments I try to recreate alone with my Airpods turned up to maximum volume. #investinhearingaids

Consider this a universal Rx for us all: Move your body in unison with your community. That’s it – that might actually be the answer.

-Jessica

Hello hello,

I love this question! Are you satisfiable? It one thousand percent made me stop in my tracks. I had a conversation over lunch at my husband’s office last week that immediately came to mind when I heard this question. We’ve lived in San Jose, CA for two years now, and at lunch, I was telling him it’s time for us to double down on the possibility of an international work assignment. I have all the reasons why now is the time (mostly related to the kids’ ages…), but I have to also be honest with myself. We have 3 little kids and have moved 3 times in the last 6 years… I’m feeling a very real itch about the next move. Heaven forbid we just chill for a minute! [I have to also acknowledge the extremely privileged environment within which I brought up this topic which adds to the context of this question. We were eating healthy, free food while our kids were at school/daycare, and our jobs allowed us the flexibility to eat a meal together. WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?!?! How could one not be satisfied in this situation?] Why do I seek the impossible challenge of uprooting our tribe and re-establishing ourselves in a new place?! It’s like the minute life doesn’t feel utterly chaotic is the minute I need a change. I feel a serious pull to experience as much as this world has to offer no matter how difficult it is. #fomo I’ll go even further – the minute it starts to feel slightly manageable, I’m drawn to seek out the more difficult route. #nothingaboutmylifeismanageable

Here’s the podcast episode that led me to this beautiful question:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/239-why-are-we-never-satisfied-with-adrienne-maree-brown/id1564530722?i=1000627034489

How many of us have checklists in our head that relate to external validation / external status? And, it’s not necessarily a bad thing! We’re evolutionarily wired to operate this way. We inherently believe that the more we achieve, the more valuable we are to our tribe. But, achievement is subjective especially when we try to reconcile our evolutionary wiring with the definition of success in today’s society.

Some of us are inherently wired to constantly challenge and strive and see how far we can go (whatever that means). I think there is research showing we all have a different physiological response to dopamine, and some people need a bigger thrill to get a decent dopamine dump. I even heard that immigrants to America, as a collective group, score higher on this thrill-seeking continuum. Makes you wonder if present-day America is built on dopamine-seeking genetics! Check out Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke, or this podcast episode:

https://armchairexpertpod.com/pods/anna-lembke )

Hmmm.. so how does one get a lab report about their own dopamine uptake response? Asking for a friend ; )

Do I wish I was more satisfiable? Or do I like my perceived lack of satisfaction? How does one answer this question? It feels analogous to being on our death beds and answering ‘what do you regret?’ It’s impossible to know until you can survey the whole journey. So, my conclusion – Be unsatisfiable. Seek it all, strive for something new, lead with curiosity, do NOT take the easy path.

Talk soon,

Jessica

#blacklivesmatter #courageourconversation #powertoprivilege

PS Obsessed:

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=peru+ed+sheeran

Hello hello,

Do people still say “Hold the phone!!”?? That was my exact thought upon seeing the new Spiderman movie with my kids. Spoiler alert: There is a Black, PREGNANT Spiderwoman in the new film!!! and an Indian Spiderman!! I mean – Marvel is showing UP! Mostly, I’m thinking about how obvious it is that Black, pregnant women should be heralded as super heroes in this universe, and isn’t it curious we need a movie about an alternate universe to remind us? It’s also curious that I can praise the progress of representation in the film while also being disappointed that it didn’t happen sooner. (#2thingscanbetrue #contradictions)

I’m no art historian (one of my best friends is!! #tiataylor), but I believe pregnant women have always been historically represented in art. They’ve been included in ancient sculptures and were prolific in depictions of ancient goddesses across cultures. I’m really out on a limb here, but you know it’s true! So, what happened? When did we start sheltering pregnant women and the beauty of giving birth from the public eye? That’s a rhetorical question because it’s easy to find the answer… #medicalizationofbirth

I have SO many thoughts about the rise of the OBGYN medical discipline in the late 1800’s. It was created / pioneered by men who had better ways for women to give birth. It led to an interesting standard of care across hospitals in America that devalued thousands of years of midwifery wisdom. AND, we can’t deny that the science in that space has saved countless lives (both mother and child) and evolved to allow so many people to have babies who couldn’t without medical intervention. #contradictions

Regardless, I’m HERE FOR the public reverence for the pregnant woman and the increase in the practice of midwifery at least among affluent, white Americans. Talk about the intersectionality of my explorations / vulnerabilities… is it a ‘Karen’ move to co-opt a practice that has been around for centuries and has actually never changed among brown/black populations across the world? Yes, yes it is. It feels like a form of gentrification of the birthing process especially because of the difference in access to top notch midwifery care in America. All of these thoughts/feelings aside, it’s about damn time we re-introduce the pregnant woman as the icon of superhuman strength! I’m processing my own privilege as it relates to the act of childbirth (don’t get me started on the discrepancies of maternal and infant mortality based on race in America…)

Talk soon,

Jessica

#powertoprivilege #blacklivesmatter #courageousconversations

PS Receipts for my claims above:

Hello hello,

I’m having big feelings/thoughts on intent vs. impact when it comes to microaggressions and classism/sexism/racism thanks to this awesome DEI program at work where small groups meet monthly for 2 years to discuss topics like unconscious bias, systemic racism, and gender disparity within the workplace. We rotate who facilitates the conversation each month, and there’s a handbook and pre-work and slides already prepared for participants. Seriously, it’s amazing. In a recent session, we were discussing what it looks like to be an advocate and the difference between our intentions vs the impact of our actions. (Cliff notes: your intention doesn’t matter. If the impact of your language, behaviors, actions is negative you’re accountable for the situation.) This got me thinking (shocking). The program introduced the term ‘benevolent sexism’, and honestly, I couldn’t really move on from that language. Can you imagine what a pain it is to be in a group like this with me…? Insufferable.

I just can’t stand this term – benevolent sexism. The example was – a new mother returns to work after maternity leave, and her manager gives her a lightened workload while she adjusts without asking her. Ok. But, we all might do the same with a male employee coming back from medical leave – so what would we call that?

In the middle of this discussion, I got lost in my own thought experiment around intent vs. ignorance. I totally understand there might be a disconnect between our intentions and the impact of our actions. But, how much of that disconnect do we chalk up to ignorance… and at what point should we stop accepting systemic ignorance as an excuse for perpetuating systemic sexism/classism/racism? As I unintelligently tried to articular this burgeoning thought, I was met with a very real counterargument which was – we have to ‘give space/allow’ people the opportunity to make mistakes and ask questions in order to grow! Great – ok. But, can’t we have a minimum bar for how much grace we give people vs. what we expect them to figure out on their own? And, I’m just now realizing that this fine line of what one gets a ‘pass’ on and what’s outright unacceptable totally depends! [Duh] It depends not just on the era / current cultural climate but also on the individual. Not to mention, that line is constantly moving – there’s no better place to observe this than stand up comedy over the last few years. Stand up is maybe our most accurate barometer of the broader culture’s viewpoint on so many charged topics. It’s the familiar “push the envelope without getting canceled” balance. Anyway, I’m veering off topic per usual.

I’m sure there are podcasts about this topic, but I’m too overwhelmed with my existing 12 weekly episodes so I can’t commit to finding/listening to something else right now!

#courageousconversations #powertoprivilege #blacklivesmatter

Talk soon,

Jessica

PS Insider tip – we should all most definitely be investing in hearing aid companies.